Footage of what it might look like if England bombed Ireland (taken from The Foreigner starring Jackie Chan)
UK Parliament announced its intentions to bomb the capital of Northern Ireland today, following the breakout of war between Israel and Gaza. The official statement reads, "The bombing and wholesale destruction of Belfast is purely a symbolic gesture. We take action today to show Israel that it is not alone in its struggle against terrorism. We have much in common with Israel, and will stand with them forthright." Nicholas True, leader of the House of Lords, revealed the plan to destroy Northern Ireland began as far back as 12th century AD, when Pope Adrian IV gave English King Henry II the right to invade Ireland "for the correction of morals and the introduction of virtues, for the advancement of the Christian religion." Detractors have stated that this decree issued 900 years ago is hardly relevant in the modern day, but the House of Lords stood firm. "As you can see, we have a historic claim to the region. Can the Irish say the same? I think not." -Nicholas True, Baron True CBE, PC. Various parliamentarians went on to state their sympathies for the Israeli people, and drew parallels to the struggle of the English people in their own country. "Israel has a right to defend itself, and so does England." "They're a dirty, backwards people, the Irish." "Some number of them were terrorists during the Troubles. It is our duty to retaliate, just like Israel." "Israel is surrounded by neighbors that hate it, and so is England." And the most convincing of them all: "Israel is an island of civilization amidst a sea of Islamic barbarism. Ireland is also an island." Indeed, the parallels were striking, and we couldn't but feel for the English upper class as they gallantly defended their right to control other people. The House of Lords state this action is purely symbolic, but that its effects will be felt from Northumberland to the Gaza strip, and beyond. "We really just want an excuse to be assholes".
Pavel Pivovarovich, Kalkaska Chronicle
