Internet comedian Yevgeny Prigozhin and his victim, Vlad Putin
Russian President Vladimir Putin got draxx't this weekend, as Wagner Group leader Yevgeny Prigozhin marched his troops into Russian territory, seemingly headed for Moscow in an attempt to overthrow Putin's regime. Prigozhin, however, did not have political control in mind. Prigozhin admitted privately to the Chronicle, "For years I wanted to be a star. I grew up idolizing comedians on TV. I wanted to be Russia's Chris Farley." His attempts were in vain. "It didn't work. My father said get a real job like mercenary or warlord. So I took the easy route, in the end." Prigozhin sighed. And while Prigozhin's comedic ambitions never fully disappeared. "I still tried to be funny in my career. During invasion of Bakhmut, we put little balls on Kinzhal hypersonic missile, so it look like penis is blowing up buildings." They did change in flavor. "Times change, Chris Farley die, and I needed new idols, so I found Joey Salads and PrankInvasion on YouTube. Their pranks were amazing!" remarked Prigozhin when asked about his motives for almost overthrowing the Russian government, "They were just so damn funny." It seemed Prigozhin cared less about being whacky, and more about going for that shock value of comedy that's so popular nowadays. Could this be the real reason for the war in Ukraine? Something to think about, folks. Prigozhin says as much himself. "The reason I joined the war effort in Ukraine at all was because I thought it would be the greatest prank of all time, I mean, imagine the look on those 45 million Ukranian people's faces when they found out their country was getting invaded! Ha!" "Even my company Wagner group, I named it that way for a meme. We are a Russian group, why give it a German name? That's funny, right?" Prigozhin might just have been the funniest man in Europe, but he was held back by the career he was forced into. Or so we all thought. Prigozhin is the one laughing now, as he revealed Sunday. At the height of his march on Moscow, Prigozhin demanded that Putin come out and greet him, "you little bald-headed ape man who has the brain of a woman and the torso of an orangutan" Wagner Group operators quietly threatened to open fire until spectators laughed at this comment by Prigozhin. Humiliated, Putin came to his Kremlin window, and shouted down to Prigozhin. "Go away!" But the Wagner Group leader would not be deterred, and responded, "Come down here and suck my dick, gay man!" growing giddy with excitement. Left with no choice, Putin begrudgingly retreated from his window, reappearing moments later as he emerged from the front door. "So this is what it's come to, Yevgeny?" He whispered solemnly, tilting his head downwards in defeat. Prigozhin strained to hold back a smile, his face contorted as if he had just swallowed a lemon. "..pfft... hhpft..!!" Putin looked up, his brow furrowed. "What are you laughing about?!" Prigozhin broke, laughing as he placed his right hand on the President's shoulder. "Oh my god, oh my god chill bro, it's just a prank!!" Prigozhin's left now pointed to a Go-Pro camera mounted on the hood of his T-90S tank. "Look, there's a camera right there, LMAO!! Oh man - HAHAHA - oh man I got you good, huh?" Prigozhin is set to be executed on Friday. All comments taken from him were recorded off the record in a private jail interview.
Brewer & Valentino, Kalkaska Chronicle
