"I'll see you at symphony hall, my nigga"
Compton, CA- Informants have reported that leader of the ATF Compton Crips, Dontrell Johnson, also known as "D-Money Murd@a" challenged rival Mob Piru leader "George Washington Barver" (birth name unknown) to a one on one choreographed dance battle last night in order to settle a gang-related dispute, no dances barred. The two had first come to blows after Mr. Barver blatantly entered D-Money's hood, attending a party at a local gym where he met the Crips leader's sister. The two fell in love at first sight, but local Crips took exception. "Yeah we saw him, he walked right into our territory! Not even tryna hide or nothing! He was on the street singing at the top of his lungs: I Just Fucked A Bitch Named Marquisha!" While the Bloods and Crips had already been on shaky terms, this incident brought them at each others' throats, leading to police involvement. With acts of senseless song and dance routines on the rise, the rival gangs were trailed by one Officer Brupke, who was found dead at the corner of East Flamingo Road and Koval Lane. Brupke suffered severe blunt force trauma to the body, with tap dance shoe imprints found all over his police uniform. His funeral will be held on Wednesday. Caught up in the crossfire of this murder appears to have been 19 year-old Miles "Dababyjohn" Duckworth, who suffered a fatal ACL tear after attempting multiple 'Piruettes' during the murder of Officer Brupke. Dababyjohn, with multiple felonies under his name, declined to check into the hospital, fearing arrest, and passed away. "Dababyjohn was a stone cold killer, just as much as he was an extremely talented dancer. Yes, he had 5, 6, 7, 8 counts of murder, it's true. But his singing voice was just as killer." - Eulogy for Dababyjohn The passing of Dababyjohn stoked tensions to a boiling point, as Piru Bloods members took to the streets in a hauntingly beautiful medley calling for the death of 43 named rival gang members in his honor. That brings us to tonight, where Dontrell "D-Money Murd@a" Johnson and George Washington Barver (birth name unknown) are set to run up on each other, as well tuck and roll, sashay, pop-lock, and get sturdy. There are even rumors that D-Money may bring back The Charleston, although these rumors are largely unfounded. D-Money and Barver are both high-profile criminals, labeled by police as "triple threats". If citizens hear 4 part harmony at night in Compton, authorities advise to find shelter immediately, or bring a date to watch the most gripping tragedy of the decade in style.
Bernice Brewster, Kalkaska Chronicle
