The Utah State Capitol Building, set to become a sperm bank in early 2024
Utah is in the news again as a sticky piece of legislation has been splattered all over the Congress. The state has apparently "outlawed cum", according to a celebratory crowd of Republicans, exclaiming as they burst out of the capitol building doors. Indeed, House Bill 8-D, colloquially known as Operation Blue Ball, contains provisions to "drain the nuts of the people of Utah", in order to "protect the civil liberties of the unconceived". House Bill 8-D asserts itself as pro-life, "for too long the people of Utah have misused their fluids. This bill will stop that. Cum is now the property of the state, and will be used wisely for PROCREATION ONLY." Utah men will be given two choices, drain their balls via catheter and send the fluids to their local post office for delivery, or castration. Women were admittedly tougher to deal with, as Congressmen struggled to grasp female anatomy, but it was finally settled that the female sex just isn't allowed to cum or enjoy anything sexual in general. Violation of the law will be met with extreme prejudice. If anyone in Utah is cumming, they're going. To prison. Speaker of the State House Brad Wilson has stepped down following the passing of House Bill 8-D, admitting privately, "This ain't it man, I'm moving to Colorado." He is replaced by Dominick Conn, who spoke on House Bill 8-D at a press conference this morning, assuaging worried citizens. "Technically, the law is no more cum, we still firmly believe in the right of any man to have sex with up to 5 of his wives at a time. But no one will enjoy it. We believe all semen are created equal, and they will not be wasted on baseless pleasure." While some still protested, Utah citizens' submissive nature meant that resistance would not last long, and today the sound of government owned balls being drained can be heard from Salt Lake City to Provo.
Mark Davis, Kalkaska Chronicle
