The folder we received the Critical Race Theory documents in. Looks like someone doesn't want us to know about this stuff.
Critical Race Theory. What is it? Where did it come from? Why are we teaching it in schools? But most importantly, what is it? For the longest time, it has baffled conservative news voices like Tucker Carlson and The Kalkaska Chronicle, with sneaky leftists never coming clean with what exactly it is they're teaching our children. But that has all changed. After finding a sum of money at the park, The Kalkaska Chronicle was able to buy a plane ticket for our youngest staffer to investigate the source of this terrible wave of leftist propaganda: California. After going undercover as a student at Bakersfield Elementary School for the Mentally Handicapped, Kalkaska resident and spy Eduardo Lopez returned with multiple dossiers detailing the exact elitist doctrines that the Globalists are forcing on our children. After years of waiting, the truth will finally be laid bare, and we have to say, it's shocking, but not surprising. Below is the official Critical Race Theory curriculum being taught in California. You may want to put your gun on safety, because this list is against God, and anti-American. Number 1: White Silence is Violence That's right folks, as early as 3rd grade, children are being taught to hate their own race, and feel guilty for events that happened in the far distant past. Seriously, it's been years since George Floyd was lawfully arrested and killed. Number 2: Hillary Won It looks like now Trump Derangement Syndrome is being caught by 9 year olds. These soy liberal betacucks can't even get over the fact that their candidate lost the election. Guess what, feminists? We're not a Democracy, we're a Democratic Republic. As in, REPUBLICan. Not Democrat. It doesn't matter how many votes she got, she's a woman. We're supposed to be writing news articles with our delicate little lady fingers, not leading the country. Number 3: Godfather 3 is the best movie in the Godfather Trilogy This one is really controversial, and honestly just pisses me off. And it should piss you off, too. This is like saying Panda Express is the best Express, or that Swiss is the best kind of cheese. Get real, the real answer to both of those is American. Number 4: Soulja Boy's "Crank That" replaces pledge of allegiance. Don't we all look back fondly on reciting the pledge of allegiance every morning at 6 AM? For many, it was a spiritual awakening, honoring the flag, a time when they really learned what America was about. But now, kids as young as 5 years old are being told to "Superman that hoe" before going to gym class. Number 5: Teaching World (including British) History Apparently American History isn't good enough anymore for some folks that just hate this country. When Kalkaska Chronicle author Eduardo Lopez returned to our offices, he showed us images ripped directly from a History textbook he found in California. Not only was there American History, like the greats of Washington, Jefferson, Davis, and both Jacksons, Andrew and Stonewall, but it also mentioned people like King George, and sites like the Jamestown colony. There's even some French guy named Lafayette. I'm sorry, but I thought this was America. In Kalkaska, we only celebrate and know about AMERICAN history, and that starts, if I'm not mistaken, in 1776. Whoever these British losers are that were doing stuff before that time, they have nothing to do with this country, and these textbooks that mention them should be burned. Number 6: Always Bet on Black This one Eduardo found from a school in Nevada. He can't remember the name. Clearly anti-white hatred. Next. Number 7: Pepsi is better than Coke. Go fuck yourself. Number 8: Spaghetti is better without meatballs and parmesan This one we debated for a while, and it's mildly agreeable. Only for the reason that meatballs are a bit spicy for normal human tastebuds. Still, removing parmesan seems a bit like a white genocide dogwhistle, and we have to assume this bit of CRT is inciting violence towards white Americans. Number 9: Mickey Mouse is gay Apparently Mickey and Minnie are the same male mouse, just dressing up in women's clothing from time to time. When we thought about it, it did make sense, and Disney is now being boycotted in Kalkaska. Number 10: Black Lives Matter No, All Lives Matter. Except for Democrats, who sold their soul to the devil and made this evil list. And so there you have it. This is the America Joe Biden and his Communist sympathizers want us all to be FORCED to live in. This should be a wake up call, America. If we don't act now, this could be the end of Western civilization as we know it. If you don't want to live in that liberal hell planet, please share this article with your friends and family. The people need to know the truth, so we can stop White Genocide, and The Godfather 3. It's just a really bad movie.
Bernice Brewster, Kalkaska Chronicle
