The hip bone, and disgusting creature you were born from
A team of research paleontologists from the University of New Mexico have announced their discovery of a human hip bone dating back 250,000 years ago, making it the oldest known remains of a human being. Coincidentally, this DNA testing revealed this hip bone also belonged to your mother, with visible markings on the hip bone showing where each of the 12 research scientists, and I, the author of this article, tapped that ass. It did not appear that your mother died from this incident, as a chemical analysis revealed large pockets of serotonin in the remains. No, it appears she enjoyed the occasion, actually, and instead probably perished in a glacier, statistically likely for the time. A backbreaking, I mean groundbreaking discovery, your mother, who we’d like to remind readers was bent over and run a train on long before the invention of the steam engine, will now sit in the British Museum in London, England, as the oldest known homo sapiens ever found, emphasis on homo, because your mother is also gay, and so are you. It’s genetic and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Mark Davis, Kalkaska Chronicle
