Artist's rendition of what the statue might look like, made PG for the website.
Downtown Kalkaska was blessed with a beautiful monument to masculinity, traditional values, and the American Dream this week, as a new statue of internet hero Andrew Tate was unveiled outside the National Trout Memorial. 12 feet tall, and made of solid titanium, each ab, pec, and muscle fiber is finely detailed, with tapering V lines disappearing under a loosely fitted belt buckle, suggesting something even more masculine and powerful in the mind's eye of the viewer. This statue will be treated with similar reverence as Muslims have for the Prophet Muhammad, except our new God is known to fuck women, not sheep and little boys. Either way, it is forbidden to take photos of this statue, under penalty of detainment, and subsequent scrubbing of the violator's camera files. All who would like to witness the glory of Master Tate must visit Kalkaska proper, and bow before his excellence. Sort of like a Hajj, but for white people. Some religious groups have expressed concerns that this statue is being treated as a form of idol worship. But to them we say: "he who is without sin, throw the first stone". And then we will stone them, because we are purified by Lord Tate, washed free of wrongs, and they are vile dogs which bow to an insolent God.
Cleveland Brewster, Kalkaska Chronicle
