A little something Matt Gaetz cooked up in Adobe Creative Suite to make his case
In the aftermath of the averted October 1st government shutdown, house Republicans have reasserted their 12-point list of priorities ahead of fresh budget negotiations with the democrats. As expected by most analysts on the hill, most points on the party of small government's priority list center around bullying poor people, spending more on police, and growing the military-industrial complex. Yet in a late-September surprise, Republican leadership appears to have rallied the party around a new pillar of American conservativism: big booty hoes. Standing ninth on the republicans' list of 12, "Big Booty Hoes" looms large over the negotiation table. The exact text under the point, published with the rest of the list earlier this week on the house GOP's website, is as follows: "America is suffering from an epidemic of women who won't have sex with REAL men (conservatives), despite us being the coolest, smartest, most fuckable people in America. We DESERVE sex. Therefore, the federal government must declare a war on the crisis that is conservative viginity." It is unclear as to whether or not the democrats will entertain this demand or use it as a bargaining chip as budget negotiations continue. "This is not a welfare program. We simply demand access to big booty hoes. Conservatives would never ask for handouts, we are asking for handjobs." said Kentucky rep. Andy Barr (virgin, 6th District) Not every Republican is in support of "big booty hoes" however, with some pretending they have no idea how that provision even got on their list in the first place. "I would never write something like that, I think one of my staffers added it. That's definitely an error." -Senator Ted Cruz (virgin, Texas) Although the demand is clearly in Cruz' handwriting, this could be a case of an excellent forgery. Innocent until proven guilty, or in this case, cool until proven virgin. Regardless of Cruz' dissent, the rest of his party stands erect in support of this crucial demand. "I want a big booty booty latina with an ass thiiiiis big!" - Nebraska rep. Mike Flood, (gay, 1st district), motioning with his hands in front of his face.
Brewster & Valentino, Kalkaska Chronicle
