An airstrike in Gaza meant to get Taylor Swift's attention
Hamas attacked the innocent nation of Israel again this weekend, after it was suggested that pop star Taylor Swift may be dating Travis Kelce. Swift, who has publicly backed the Hamas regime since 2016, has been seen as a beacon of hope for the Palestinian people. With her support, Hamas could gain leverage with American leadership. This all changed, however, when rumors began to circulate that Travis Kelce was entering the picture. Kelce, a known Zionist, has long stated that he wishes for nothing more than a homeland for the Jewish people, and that homeland must be in the Holy Land. "It's the only thing I love more than football", said Kelce. If Kelce and Swift are dating, what will that mean for Hamas leadership, and Palestinian rights across the region? Zionist Kelce could pull Swift further from her support of the Hamas regime. This could mean a total collapse of political stability, and at worst, some fear a genocide. "Tay-tay cannot be allowed to date that heathen. If she lets that man into her life, it will destroy the spiritual health of our people. What will I tell my daughter?" -Ismail Haniyeh, Hamas. Israeli military officials were alerted ahead of the dating rumors that Hamas may deliver a pre-emptive strike. Israeli officials declared that Swift has the birthright to date whoever she wants, and they will defend that right with lethal force if necessary. "Taylor is for everyone, not just Palestinians." -Benjamin Netanyahu Some in Hamas dissented from the attack, claiming that an eventual Swift-Kelce breakup song could include a verse slandering Israel, gaining support for the war effort among American middle school girls. These claims were pushed aside by the majority, however, who asserted that any opportunity to go to war should be taken. This one couldn't be overlooked. "Only when Taylor has broken free of the oppressive shackles of Kelce will we cease. Israel has no right to take Taylor from us!" - Ismail Haniyeh.
Cleveland Brewster, Kalkaska Chronicle
