McGregor opening his mouth for treats at UFC weigh ins
The city of Miami released new public safety guidelines this week. Residents are advised to zip up all bags of cocaine while sleeping to avoid attracting UFC fighter Conor McGregor. McGregor is a known scavenger, native to Ireland, and considered a pest by many. Since his arrival in Miami-Dade County, numerous reports have been filed with police describing a "strange monster" rummaging through trash cans. scurrying off with leftover cocaine. Witnesses have confirmed McGregor is behind these late night disturbances. "Oh yeah, I saw him, he had these big dark circles around his eyes, and he was drooling like he had rabies or something." -Maria Hayward, 26 Dark circles around McGregor's eyes would fit the description of a man up all night looking for cocaine. And drooling, well, the man is clearly not in his right mind, nor intends to be. Some claim McGregor is not alone, with others following him around. "He had these two little ones with him, they didn't seem as dangerous, but they were learning from their mama, copying every move. Now that I think about it, though, I'm not sure he was even aware of them." It seems McGregor is joined by Ian Garry and Paddy Pimblett, possibly looking to start their own cocaine addictions. Miami subsequently ordered they be separated from McGregor with lethal force if necessary, and sent back to Europe. As for McGregor, the city's most recent orders compel residents to set up traps around their homes and at local bars in order to catch McGregor. If that doesn't work, all are advised to just shoot for a takedown, as he won't be able to block it.
Dane Hardy, Kalkaska Chronicle
