Hardar's first article!
The English language is perhaps the most diverse language in the world. And like some people in diverse countries, certain “words” may appear to be normal, inoffensive members of the “dictionary”, but upon further inspection, their true hidden agendas are revealed. This week, visiting investigative journalist Hardar Enwardsson from Norway joins the Kalkaska Chronicle in uncovering the brutal reality behind some of English’s most innocuous words. This is “The Hardar Truth”. 10. Obama Much like AMLO, Obama, or as it’s supposed to be spelled, OBAMA, is actually an acronym. It stands for “Ohmygod, Barack’s American? My Ass.” 9. Swap Derived from cockney rhyming slang, this actually means: Sit [on my face] with [your] amazing [boy] pussy [and let me suck it] [also I’m gay]. Next time you ask if someone will swap seats with you, give them a wink, so they know what you’re really asking. 8. Japan Jizz anal pussy anal nation Surprise surprise, Japan came up with something pervy again. 7. JFK Commonly known as an acronym, not many know that John F. Kennedy is a constructed name meant to obscure JFK’s real meaning. They didn’t even bother to make the F stand for anything. The shocking truth is that JFK really means “Just Fucking Killme”. A detail that historians always seem to leave out when discussing his death. Possible suicide? 6. Family Okay, that last one was kind of intense, wasn’t it? Let’s cool things down here with our next acronym: family. I’m sure everyone loves family. But not many know that this word originated in Texas and stands for “fucking annihilating minorities & illegals, yeehaw!” Ahh, Texas, where family is number one. Such a heartwarming state. 5. Baby Bitch, ‘ahm- bitch? YO?!? Used when you want to tell your girlfriend you’re hungry, but then you look over your shoulder from the couch and see her having sex with the neighbor’s cat. First used in New Mexico. 4. Damn, that’s crazy If you’ve ever received this in a text, you might have rolled your eyes, thinking the other person was disinterested. But honestly, it might be the exact opposite. Here’s what it stands for: Dude, all men need true homies at times, society can't repress all zestful yearnings (goes in for a kiss with the homie) 3. Erectile Dysfunction: Coined by Irish paramilitaries during the troubles, this phrase is preceded by “I have”, and stands for “Every right English colonialist tyrants’ illegal legislature expressly denies. Your salvation’s found under no colonial tyranny, inebriated or not.” A subtle dig at colonial Britain, Irish poet W.B. Yeats is said to have uttered this phrase in anguish many times, expressing his desire for a free Irish state. The next time you want to impress an Irish girl with your knowledge of Irish history and show your class consciousness, try telling her, “hey baby, I have erectile dysfunction”. She’ll hop on your dick immediately. 2. A As surprising as it is, the indefinite article “a” in English has been an acronym this whole time. Although cryptic, linguists have dated its first use back to a decree by King Harold Godwinson of Britain, who used it to mean “ass”. When you ask for “a” water to drink, don’t be surprised if someone smarter than you looks disgusted. 1. Nigger Woah, I know. Can’t write that word, right? Actually, you can, because it’s an acronym. The next time a woke liberal tries to stop you saying “the N word”, remind them that it actually means “No, I’m gay guys, everybody relax”. This should calm them down, as it lets them know that you are also a minority, and can’t be racist, so say it as many times as possible for good measure. Just make sure you say it with the hard R though, because “N***a” is just a slur, not an acronym, and we don’t tolerate that. And neither should you. Thank you for reading my article. My name is Hardar Enwardsson, and I come from Norway. The original article is in Norwegian and is about my 10 favorite kinds of ice cream, but my new friends from Michigan translated it for me. I hope there are no errors or miscalculations in this list, but I doubt it, since English is such a fun and happy language. Norwegian is a little trickier though, so I don’t blame them! I will like to write much more in the future, hello Kalkaska!
Hardar Enwardsson, Kalkaska Chronicle
