If you don't look like this you're not trying.
In today’s hustle culture, you may feel worthless. You work a dead-end job, you have no social life, you waste all your time playing video games and watching porn, your life is a revolving door of addictions and failed dreams. It doesn’t have to be this way, but you must be willing to make the change to save your life. The radical left agenda wants you weak, coddled, and insecure, and the solutions they provide for your problems are all lies. They want you to meditate, eat healthy, divest from fossil fuels, and go to therapy to talk about feelings. Bitch, only women have feelings. And you’re not a woman. You are a man, proven by the fact that you can read this article. As a man, your job is to conquer this world and everything in it so no one else can have anything. Only then will you feel satisfied. And the only way to do this is to maximize your productivity, so that you can surpass all other men on the planet and have sex with every woman you meet instantly. Number Ten: Text while you drive. This one should be obvious. Driving is for peasants. Think about it, people get paid to drive on Uber, but here you are doing it for free. I’m guessing you’d also volunteer to pick cotton for fun, wouldn’t you? If you’re going to waste your time driving, you should at least get some work done on your phone while you do so. Number Nine: Have sex with your sister. Let’s be honest, dating is screwing modern men over. Women accuse men of sexual assault, have extremely high standards, and probably won’t look your way if you’re not on the cover of Forbes. Dating is an investment which costs your time and money, and you don’t have either, but you do have a sister. And you’ve already got so much in common, even your DNA, it’s hard to see why you wouldn’t be a match. Number Eight: Destroy kids at pickup basketball If you aren’t feeling like a Hapsburg King after your love session with your sister, it’s time to kick things up into 3rd gear, and remind yourself what you are: a man. A man that fucks women in the sheets, and fucks boys in the streets at basketball. Break ankles, dunk on a 6 foot plastic rim, and get the confidence boost you need before getting back to work. Number Seven: Park in the handicapped space After fucking your sister, destroying some kids, and writing all your emails on your drive to work, you’ll need a place to park, and there should be a handicapped space available. Hardly anyone actually uses these, and they’re always in the best possible spot. It’s just the bitch inside of you that’s afraid to use them. What, do you think a bunch of midgets are gonna come beat you up? That’s delusional. You’re so mentally weak you might actually be mentally handicapped, so you should take the space anyways. See, now you have no excuse. And if anyone says anything about it, remember, parking is like prison, and you should give them a reason to park there after you. Number Six: Eat raw human meat Lunch is the most important meal of the day, and if you’ve been following these steps, you should have had lunch at least 3 times before everyone else gets to it. Either way, the flesh of another human is high in protein, and will bring down your pointless work emails as you eliminate another co-worker. If they weren’t grinding hard enough, you can do it for them. Guaranteed no one will fuck with you now. Number Five: No REM sleep Sleep is by far the biggest killer of productivity known to man. The Japanese are famously lazy for sleeping on trains when they could be working, and many think that’s why they’re a third world country. Sadly, sleep is necessary for survival, like food and water, but science has shown there are even different kinds of sleep. Are you really going to waste time trying out different sleep modes like some gay sleepytime charcuterie board? Closing your eyes is sleeping, and that should be enough. REM is said to kick in after about 90 minutes, and you can just as easily kick it out. Try setting an alarm every 89 minutes, just to fuck with it as it tries to rob you of your time. Number Four: No dreaming. Staying on the topic of sleep, no dreaming. Dreams represent feelings and those are for women and gays, if you start dreaming, it’s probably about cock, and you should slap yourself awake immediately. No one ever dreams about stock options or building businesses, and even if they did it would probably be something like an African glory hole business where you get to suck off fat black guys and then you pay them money to cover it up instead of the other way around, I’m guessing. Not worth your time. Also nobody steal that idea. Number Three: Kill Once you get past the mental barrier of murder, anything will feel possible. Number Two: Isolate, isolate, isolate Human interaction in general is a waste of time. If Twitter is the new public square, and Amazon is the new marketplace, then that means Reddit is the new group home for retarded people. That’s where 90% of you are coming from, so it’s already proof you don’t talk to anyone in real life. And that’s good. The more time you spend alone, on the internet, the more you can grind. Keep up the good work. Number One: Completely forget the English language By far the hardest task on this list. The brain is like a computer, right? The more stuff on your hard drive, the less space you have for productivity. English vocabulary is far too big to be useful, and you can get by with basic words. I’m personally too smart for this one, but I’m guessing you’re already on your way to mastery in this discipline. Go do long work now for to make big money and get sex time with woman. Bitch.
Jet Samson, Kalkaska Chronicle
