Tim Scott stuttering profusely as town hall questions come flooding in about his sexual orientation
Republican Senator Tim Scott has come under fire for not being married. The Senator from South Carolina has failed to provide any proof that he has a wife, leading many to accuse him of being gay. Scott countered allegations, stating "nuh-uh, that's not true! I have a girlfriend, she's from Canada." When asked why no one had ever seen this "woman", Scott replied, "well, she's uhh really busy, she uhhh... she doesn't go to this Senate, she goes to uhhh... the Canadian... Senate..? (That's a real thing, right?)" Other Senators insisted that Scott is capping, asserted he gets no puh at all, and suggested he should be named Senator for the U.S. Virgin Islands instead of South Carolina. These Senators weren't like him, no way. Everyone else in Congress had had sex at least 25 times. This is especially true of Tim Scott's initial accuser, one Senator from Oklahoma. "Yeah, I'm gonna go hook up with Ms. Feinstein after executive session, then me and a couple of the boys finna run a train on Mrs. Pelosi, maybe hit the pads for a bit, then call it a day." - Senator Markwayne Mullin, when the topic of girls was brought up at the Congressional lunch table. Although Markwayne initially accused Scott of being queer, he also suggested that "half of the people in this damn building are gay, that's what my Dad says," lumping Scott in with a larger systemic issue on Capitol Hill. Indeed, sexual rumors are common in DC, with Senators banding behind Mullin to accuse Lindsey Graham of being a raging homo. Also from South Carolina, also single, and with a girl's name, many have speculated that Graham and Scott may be in a secret gay relationship. There are too many similarities. "Lindsey? Shiiiit... yeah we fucked hard. Lindsey likes it rough, anal and everything, I tapped that ass for like 3 weeks straight." -Markwayne Mullin, before being told that Lindsey Graham is male. Mullin apparently turned pale at the news, and excused himself from the table, whispering "Oh God my Dad is gonna kill me..." To this day, it is unclear what the sexuality of anyone in Congress is, but with elections for Class President coming up, it remains a hot button issue. The top of the hill shouldn't be a bottom.
Bernice Brewster, Kalkaska Chronicle
