Bradley Martyn and the street sign for Martin Luther King Boulevard
Internet bodybuilder Bradley Martyn has been in a catatonic state since Wednesday, sources state. The podcast host was found on the corner of Western and Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd, in downtown Chicago, next to a relatively unharmed street sign. 9-11 responders found Martyn face down on the sidewalk with a pool of urine steadily growing at his waist, and a few slight facial abrasions from where his head had hit the concrete. For the most part, he seemed unharmed, but was not moving. Witnesses confirmed the incident started when Bradley passed by Delta Plus Delta Plus, a UChicago affiliated sorority house, and saw multiple teenage girls sitting on their front porch. Martyn quickly began flexing and pantomiming bicep curls, glancing towards the sorority house every few seconds as he walked, and coughing loudly, "AHEM! AHEM!" While this did not attract much attention, it did make Martyn lose his own on where he was walking, and after having progressed onto burpees, the internet personality jumped up and bonked his head on the street sign for Martin Luther King Avenue. "Ooh! Ouchie! My head!" He exclaimed,then looked over at the girls, a few looking at him, concerned. "...I mean -FUCK! God DAMN, bruh! This fuckin, this fuckin sign, shit!" The man's ego was on the line now. He wasn't about to look foolish in front of those girls. Drastic measures had to be taken. He backed up, taking his opponent into view. The street sign was tall, maybe 7 and a half feet, but Bradley was 6 foot 2 and 380, so there was no way he could lose. "Listen up, Martin Luther King, I've had enough of your bullshit." Martyn began, "You wanna apologize for what you did, bro?" The 7.5 foot piece of industrial steel remained silent. "I'll beat the fucking shit out of you." He threatened through gritted teeth. A few more onlookers turned their heads now. Who was threatening to kill Martin Luther King again? Why did this man hate civil rights so much? "That's it, bitch." Martyn said, before unloading the biggest overhand right he could muster. His hand connected, and Martyn immediately screamed. "AHHHHHH!!!!!!". As he discovered, punching hurts your hand. Before Martyn could even finish apologizing, "... wait, no, I'm sorry! Please! I concede! Babe, stop!*" The street sign whipped back, propelled towards Martyn by the momentum he had given it, and grazed him lightly across the cheek. "Eep! I MEAN FUCK!" Martyn blurted out and fell backwards, stumbling over his own feet, and flailing with his arms spinning like windmills. After about 12 seconds of wobbling out of control, he careened into the sidewalk, urinating all over himself and passing out cold. Medical professionals soon delivered the influencer to Central State Hospital, where he is believed to now lay in a coma. There are doubts, however, as Martyn is still somewhat active on social media. Kenzie Neylor, one of the sorority girls Martyn passed by, claimed he had since liked multiple Instagram posts by her, and saw he was "typing..." in her DMs, but never actually sent anything. Why Martyn would pretend to be in a coma is a wonder to us all, with some speculating it being a cover for him pissing his pants after losing a fight to an inanimate object, unable to swallow his pride and admit he doesn't know how to fight. Others believe Bradley is finally getting female attention and care from the nurses at the hospital, and really really doesn't want to leave. We will never know for sure. *This last one seems to be a reflex from other encounters Martyn has had, albeit unconfirmed.
Colin Gutierrez, Kalkaska Chronicle
