Lieutenant Governor Gilchrist, probably rapping, to announce the slogan change to Michigan Democrats.
In a recent trip to West Virginia, Governor Gretchen Whitmer couldn't help but notice how all the signage around the state was adorned with one simple phrase: "Country Roads, Take Me Home". "Well, I'll be darned tootin'!" exclaimed the Governor, "This here state bases its entire identity around a line from a country song. Say, Garlin, why don't we do that in Michigan?" "I'm not sure that would work back home, Gretchen," replied the Lieutenant Governor, "You'd lose the black vote instantly if you did something like that." "But maybe I'd finally win the UP, Garlin." Whitmer countered. The two stared at each other for a moment, before bursting into laughter. "Good one Gretchen. The UP doesn't matter." "Well, anywho, I think we ought to ditch our slogan for something more catchy. I don't think we can really call it Pure Michigan anymore, not with the whole Flint debacle. Kinda false advertising, don't you think?" "True", replied Gilchrist. "I just don't think a country song is the right thing to base our State's identity off of. Look, I know we run a low-IQ state, but come on, Michigan ain't West Virginia. And black folks would never go for country. Do you want to lose Detroit?" The Governor tapped her index finger against her lips. "Hmm... you make a good point there, Gilchrist. We have to bridge the divide. What's a song by a white artist from Michigan that black folks wouldn't feel too embarrassed to listen to?" And so, 1 week later, signs all across the Michigan-Ohio border read, "Welcome to Michigan: Mom's Spaghetti." Whitmer shed a single tear. Not from joy, but because there's definitely still lead in the water and her internal organs were failing. God help America. This is the nation Democrats are creating.
Bernice Brewer, Kalkaska Chronicle
