This dumbass loser really thought he was worth something for a moment. Kill yourself, faggot.
25 year old anxiety patient Samuel Hebreard, of Duluth, Minnesota, is totally ruining this otherwise lit as fuck house party that's going on right now. Everyone's looking at him, staring, and judging his every move. His failure to engage with other partygoers is making him look like a complete social retard idiot, but if he were to try and say anything, scientists have speculated with 98% certainty that it would probably be something offensive to somebody at the party, and he'd only be making things worse. Experts live at the scene are stating that Sam's problems probably began this morning when he decided to get up out of bed, and not take his own life the night before. Whatever happens next, it's certain to be imminent doom for Mr. Hebreard, as any move he makes will be the wrong one, and his reputation will be tarnished for the rest of eternity. Updates to follow. Can someone go kill this guy please?
Bernice Brewer, Kalkaska Chronicle
