Santos' true face seen on arrival out of his pocket dimension
Finally an explanation for the mystery of George Santos. As reported by the Tri-State Elder Council of Shamanic Wizardry, it was revealed that Santos simply appeared on planet earth after a druidic summoning ritual gone wrong. A pagan community out of Danbury, Connecticut had attempted to summon a wood sprite for the bringing of a good harvest, but someone left their Bluetooth speaker on playing the golden girls theme song during the ceremony, and thus, George Santos was born. With no way to explain his sudden appearance, Santos was hounded by the media and voters. Desperate to save his skin, and not be forced to return to Aethel-Corinthia, the purgatory homeland of all wood elves, Santos pulled from every corner of his cursory understanding of human culture to craft a cunning backstory. Sadly, this biographical concoction was noted to be a farce, as reported widely in the media. For a long time it was uncertain among the public why Santos had made up so much about his life. Was it for political gain? Was he a pathological liar? No, the truth cannot be denied. Santos simply is not a human being. And like Jesus, there are no records to support his existence prior to last year. We all have to simply come to terms with the fact that we were duped, and that Santos is still playing the long game. He cannot be allowed to vote in Congress, and honestly, it's probably not safe for humanity to let him live in the US, either. If you see Santos, please, call your local pagan leader and attempt to banish him from Earth. Shouting hexes will suffice, if nothing else.
Bernice Brewer, Kalkaska Chronicle
