Ukrainian Soldiers cover their ears to prevent tinnitus from Susan Burgess' screams
The yearlong military conflict between Russia and Ukraine came to a close yesterday at the request of 54 year old America woman Susan Burgess, when soldiers mistakenly began skirmishing near her Ukrainian beachfront summer residence, interrupting her episode of The View. At first, Susan admitted she first yelled at her husband to "Do something about this RIGHT NOW, John!" But Mr. Burgess, as usual, apathetically replied, "It's okay honey, I'm sure they'll sort things out in a few minutes," and shrugged his wife off to return to the game on TV. Touchdown. Susan now felt she had no choice, and screamed from her balcony, "OH MY GAWWD, STAAAAAHHHHHP!! STOP IT!! NOOOOOOO!!" Russian forces, moments prior engaged in a brutal and life-altering firefight, turned their heads in surprise. Similar reactions occurred on Ukrainian lines, as all eyes searched for the source of such a blood curdling noise. "STOP!! JOHN, DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!! OH MY GOD STOP FIGHTING!!!" Within seconds, Russian military leaders began to call back to the Kremlin, all requesting to talk with Putin. "Yes Sir. War is over, we are coming home. I see light now, we are fighting for wrong purpose." Able to hear the screaming over the phone, President Putin solemnly agreed, and ordered his troops to stand down. Overhearing the call back to Moscow, Ukrainian commanders ordered their solders to cease firing. One brave soldier stepped out of his trench, then another, all walking forwards, arms held out as a sign of peace. The soldiers from both sides met on neutral ground, and agreed. This screaming woman had managed to turn the tide of the war, and in a beautiful act of peace, both sides aimed their weapons at the Burgess' residence, firing indiscriminately, and vaporizing Susan and her husband with ease. "OH MY GOD JOHN THE EUROPEANS ARE LOOKING AT ME YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!! JOHN???!?! JOHN!!!!!" John Burgess died a happy man, as the Steelers ran the ball for a touchdown.
Bernice Brewer, Kalkaska Chronicle
