Ed Chalmers displaying the erratic behavior of "active listening" when being questioned by police.
Ed Chalmers, of Kalamazoo, Michigan, was arrested Thursday in what eyewitnesses described as a shocking and violent incident of sobriety. The 43 year old, father of two, was pulled over after steadily driving 2 miles per hour under the speed limit, which officers marked as unusual behavior for the region. Suspicions arose instantly, as when asked to step out of his vehicle, Mr. Chalmers calmly replied, “Yes, of course, officer. I don’t want to cause any trouble” instead of “uhGHAUHoooaAAAGGGA… mMMeTHH??! WAaaaNT METHHH!!!!” Officers added this to their list of odd behaviors by Chalmers. After a thorough search of his vehicle, police were unable to find any amount of methamphetamine, cigarettes, or even just a pile of empty beer cans scattered on the floor of the backseat. Concerned, officers questioned Chalmers, who was taken aback. “Meth? Why would I have any meth on me? That’s disgusting. I don’t do drugs.” It was worse than it had first appeared. Not only was Ed Chalmers obeying all traffic laws, caring for his family, and speaking in full sentences, he was so out of his mind that he had confessed to not being a meth addict in public, out loud, to local officials. Was this even Michigan? After being peacefully arrested and detained on the charge of “not being on meth”, Chalmers was sent to a public hearing, in which citizens voiced their confusion, concerns, and outrage at his actions: “I just… I just don’t understand. He doesn’t even drink?” Said Donna Jacobs, local kindergarten teacher. “Well what does he do for fun? I haven’t seen him at a Klan meeti- I mean, a militia meeting, either. Yeah, that’s right.” Said Earl Schultz, police officer. “So what, does he think he’s just better than the rest of us, huh?!” Exclaimed one angry resident, holding a Modelo. “I bet the cops took his meth away to frame him!” Added a conspiracy minded citizen, to roaring applause. After a lengthy interrogation and cross-witnessing by the prosecution, and some requests by the audience to apply the death penalty, it was discovered that Ed Chalmers had in fact moved to Michigan from Colorado, explaining the situation. His sentence was thereby lessened to a misdemeanor of “not being from around here” in the first degree. (Some municipalities, like Howell, treat this as a felony, depending on racial background). A scourge on society, some Kalamazoo resident hold out hope that deportation may be on the table for Chalmers. Only time will tell, as this story continues to unfold. The only newspaper out of Kalkaska will be covering as it does.
Patrice McNeal, Kalkaska Chronicle
