Image of an octopus flying over Tokyo before being shot down
The Audubon Society announced this week that the Octopus, an eight limbed mollusc generally found in the ocean, would be reclassified as a bird on Sunday, defying all previously held beliefs about taxonomy and the nature of evolution in the scientific community. Audubon society President Jane Gooddall spoke to the press, explaining the situation, “The octopus, long known as a fish, will now be joining the bird family.” She paused to a confused crowd of 20-odd people, before continuing: “Do fish have beaks? No. Do birds have beaks? Yes. Do octopus have beaks? Yes they do. Octopus are clearly birds. I will not be taking questions. I am Jane Goodall.” Blunt, concrete, factual, Goodall was not there to spark debate, but to lay down the law. Whether they like it or not, the Octopus will have to learn to enjoy the company of its avian brethren, as it spreads its tentacles in flight, and moves into birdcages across America. With news of the Octopus’s new classification, bird populations have plummeted in the Eastern hemisphere, as Japanese cuisine now offers parakeet sushi and flamingo ngiri. The Chronicle will not stoop so low as to report on the new genre of adult entertainment that has also appeared, but we will confirm that yes, it is real, and ethically questionable. It seems the Octopus has had unintended effects on bird life worldwide.
Bernice Brewer, Kalkaska Chronicle
