Alex Murdaugh, seething with hatred for America and the nuclear family
Alex Murdaugh, a man charged with the murders of his wife and son. What could drive a man to such a point? Drugs? Debts? Greed? Hate? No, the answer is something much worse: Wokeism. In a recent interview, Murdaugh admitted it all started when he benignly enrolled at a local college. “I never got my Bachelor’s, so I figured it was about time to go back,” said Murdaugh. “What could go wrong?” As it turns out, everything. Things took a turn for the woke after only a few days. Murdaugh was exposed to Critical Race Theory, Post-Modern Marxism, and Gender Studies, while majoring in Agriculture. “I never knew the struggles that BIPOC kings, queens, gender-ambiguous monarchs, and all other genders went through”, admitted Murdaugh. “My whole worldview began to change.” At home, Alex began consuming hours of woke content, from Vice News, to CNN, SNL, The Associated Press, and others, desperate to learn more. With so much time spent on Youtube, TikTok, and Twitter, Alex admitted he barely left his room, except to get booster shots for the COVID vaccine every Sunday instead of going to church. Within a few weeks, he was fully radicalized, and it didn’t take long for him to notice “problems” with his white, christian family. “Paul did not once aks me what my pronouns were at dinner. Microaggression! Buster did not wear his kente cloth to work when I asked him to. Racist! And Maggie, she didn’t even know how to season her chicken. Typical caucasoid colonizer.” Following intensive searching, Reddit posts under the name of “iamalexmurdaugh” were linked back to Murdaugh by the police. “Do you know how many BIPOC folx are murdered at the hands of white police every year? White men are the benefactors and perpetrators of 100% of the violence inherent in the capitalist global hegemony, so no, you cannot, in fact, be racist towards white folx.” Kalkaska received clearance from the FBI to include this snippet of Murdaugh’s ramblings on Reddit. “Once you really get into the data, and more importantly, how the data makes you feel, it’s obvious. The white family is the problem. It must be destroyed.” Alex Murdaugh admitted his motive. Due to increasing violations of the second amendment, Alex found it difficult to purchase a handgun, but after reaching out to The Root and explaining his situation, Alex was privately mailed a Glock 9 pistol with an extended clip and laser. Then he just had to act. “There was only one thing on my mind, and it wasn’t money, it was reparations.” -Alex Murdaugh The moment of the killings, Murdaugh reportedly shouted “THIS IS FOR BREONNA TAYLOR!! THIS IS FOR SITTING BULL!! THIS IS FOR KUNTA KINTE!!” before unloading over 700 rounds into his wife and son, not realizing that Kunta Kinte and Sitting Bull were in fact, not real people. CCTV footage recovered from the scene of the crime appears to show that after popping several caps in his wife and son’s asses, Murdaugh threw up several gang signs including one alluding to the South Carolina democratic party, then crip walked away after producing a bottle of Hennessy from his coat pocket. He is presumed to have then entered his car, a 2008 Subaru Outback covered in “coexist” and “Bernie 2016” bumper stickers and driven to Whole Foods to hit on uninterested white women buying quinoa in celebration. Police discovered Murdaugh at a BIPOC/Queer/Antiracist/Antifascist/Pro-Palestine/Atheist poetry circle in a worker-owned cooperative cafe in Seattle after a days-long manhunt in which search teams combed the nation’s Whole Foods, public college campuses, preschool libraries, drag shows, “bad neighborhoods,” indie concerts, and the entire state of California. When found by police, Murdaugh is reported to have “gone for woke,” by shouting obscenities at law enforcement officers and smelling so bad nobody wanted to get near him, all in an effort to resist arrest. “Sashay AWAY, colonizers!!!” Murdaugh allegedly screamed at the arresting officers. Don’t let the framing of the media convince you, this is another victim of the worst war in modern history: the culture war, and the war on the white, christian, conservative, heterosexual family.
Nicole McMullen, Kalkaska Chronicle
