Prince Harry setting up a 3-pointer in Ipswich, 2014
Kingston, Jamaica 2/28/23 – Previously hidden birth records from the royal family’s newest author have exposed what could be one of the biggest cover-ups in Westminster since Prince Andrew’s Epstein-related pedophilia allegations in 2020. In a shock discovery by an otherwise routine audit by the Kingston public records office, documents were found confirming the birth of a boy named Henry Windsor at 7:18 pm on 15 September, 1984 at the Tudor District Hospital to a mother named Diana Spencer. This birth record, cross referenced and verified with census data from Jamaican government archives that show Harry counted as a resident of Kingston until shortly before his 3rd birthday, has shaken both the royal family and the British public alike. “‘I’m absolutely devastated, to be completely honest,” a member of the British royal family commented to the Chronicle on the condition of anonymity. “That would mean that Harry is… black? I can’t believe it, I just cannot believe it.” “It’s plain disgusting,” said another anonymous family member. “What if he caught AIDS while he lived in Africa?” “I guess you could say the empire struck back, in a way,” commented Glen Robinson, 41, from Bradford. Prince Harry was last seen in public during a BBC interview broadcast four weeks ago, in which many viewers raised questions about his demeanor. “Di war inna Ukraine nuh sit well wid mi,” the prince said to the cameras when asked about the upcoming first anniversary of the war in Europe. “De olda de moon, de brighter it shines,” he said later in the interview, “Di people of Ukraine ave endured before an dem wi endure again.” The House of Windsor has yet to provide a formal statement regarding the discovery, however all family members were called to Buckingham Palace today for a surprise reunion. What we can expect from this meeting is hard to predict, as the British royal family has a mixed record on race relations and has sustained accusations of orientalism in its treatment of the kingdom’s former colonies.
Gibby Valentino, Kalkaska Chronicle
