Bigfoot throws up the peace sign, showing his selfless nature
February 20th, in the wake of a massive chemical explosion in Ohio, residents of the town of East Palestine have been slated with a harsh decision to make. Pack up and skip town, or hunker down and wait out the disaster. Many have chosen to stay, but one unlikely resident has chosen a different path. Emerging from the woods, the legendary creature Bigfoot was spotted hailing a cab as he made his way towards the Pennsylvania border. The Chronicle does not carry cameras with us, we are only a print newspaper, so no footage of Bigfoot was captured. But you don’t have to take our word for it. Take his. That’s right, this little newspaper from Kalkaska, Michigan managed to score an interview with Bigfoot himself. “Bigfoot! Mr. Bigfoot!” My crew and I shouted, scrambling to catch him before he could get into the vehicle. “Yeah, I been doing alright,” said Bigfoot, when questioned about what he was up to, and why he was leaving town. “I mean, ever since high school things have been up and down for me. And the pandemic, well, do I even need to get into it? I’m sure we’re all sick of hearing that by now. I don’t know though, terrorizing livestock and throwing barrels around was getting old, and now with this train explosion, I think I’m finna bounce my ass outta town, ya feel me? Them white folks on that train business is crazy. Nah, I’m just kidding, I don’t talk like that, haha. That’d be funny, though. Anyways, you guys take care of yourselves, it’s a crazy world out there, and thanks for checking in on me, no one ever seems to care. I’m glad you didn’t bring cameras.” I nodded, feeling a warmth from bigfoot, or maybe it was the toxic waste in the air. I didn’t care, for in that moment, all I could see was a humble American folk hero being driven from his home. “Where will you go now?” I asked. “Probably New York,” He replied. “There’s always a job for you if ever come to Kalkaska.” “I’ll think about it,” he laughed, before donning some shades and throwing up the peace sign. “Take me back to Brooklyn, Dexter!” he patted the driver on his shoulders. I cried on the way back home. Not because of the unpunished poisoning of a small Ohio town. Not because of the corruption of the government. Not because of the burning vinyl chloride in my lungs. No, I cried because Bigfoot was going to get shot and die in a gang war in New York. It’s what happens in Democrat run cities. The number’s don’t lie in Biden’s America. I just know it, and I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.
Nicole McMullen, Kalkaska Chronicle
