Mitch McConnell starting to melt under the harsh overhead lights on capitol hill
The discourse on Capitol Hill following now president-elect Donald Trump's victory is rife with one question: When's 'ol Mitch gonna kick it? The infamous "Hash-Slinging Slasher" of the senate has ruled congress with an iron fist for over half a millennium, but now friends and foes alike question his mortality. "When's that old turkey gonna finally kick the can?" sleuths the honorable Tommy Tuberville from Alabama on the condition of anonymity, "I've spent every day this week smelling his shitty ass getting wheeled around by his staffers. They get like 6 feet, No-Covid, down the hall before they have to change his diaper. Disgusting." Other congressional members weighed in. "That Kentucky fried fucker has 3 months tops. And I got Dow Chemical money on it." opines Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow. Vice president-elect and former Pillsbury Doughboy James David Vance contends that "Mitch is a real stand up guy, I really don't get the criticism. I mean seriously, did you see him just stand there? God forbid a playa takes in the vibe." DraftKings has the odds of McConnell making it through 2025 at +800 (as of 11/27/2024), a historic probability only rivaled by sitting president Joeseph "Hard-R" Biden with an earth shattering +1250 on the same bet. Lines had a dramatic 50 point shift over the weekend after the former Senate Republican Leader had purportedly placed a bet on himself. "If a man can't turn a profit on his own death, then what's the point of living in the first place?" JDeez Vance said in defense of the criticism. Sources familiar with the McConnell estate say that a "last hurrah" media tour is soon to commence. Rumored appearances include the mighty Joe Rogan podcast, PBD podcast, a stint as the Harlem Globe Trotters mascot, and a surprise guest judge on the next season of "Chopped". We've reached out to the McConnell team and are awaiting comment on the matter.
Kyle Diggenmouthe, Kalkaska Chronicle
