Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi discuss running Anthony Kiedis in 2028
Following Vice President Kamala Harris' election defeat on Nov 5, Democratic Leadership have put forth an ironclad, foolproof, and comprehensive strategy to underperform and lose the 2028 election in 4 years. Chuck Schumer spoke to the press - "This plan is brilliant, we have some amazing people working on it, the biggest Democratic losers of the past half century phoned in to give their advice." The plan, called "Project 2029", begins with a call for Democratic voters to come out in droves in 2028, if they feel like it, and it's okay if they don't want to because The Bachelor is on or they're feeling tired after getting the COVID booster. "We want to run the worst candidate possible, and with Project 2029 we think that can be a reality. We're currently working with the scientific community to engineer a politician with the charisma of Hillary Clinton, the voting record of Joe Manchin, the integrity of George Santos, the blandness of Pete Buttigieg, and the sex appeal of Jimmy Carter" Said Schumer. When asked to clarify what time period of Jimmy Carter, Schumer replied, "The Jimmy Carter of today, or Jimmy Carter in 10 years, ideally", and visibly gagged, somehow while smirking. Schumer continued, "The one thing we don't want is a popular candidate with good messaging and meaningful campaign promises to win the primary. We had that in 2008 with Obama and it was a nightmare scenario. That motherfucker ruined everything and got elected! Sure, we got him to betray the electorate eventually, but that was a close one!" Whether or not Project 2029 will come to fruition, only time will tell. For now, we look forward to the last few months of Biden's presidency, as Democrats around the country practice bending over and shitting their pants, in solidarity with their great leadership. "We just hope people keep struggling." For the Kalkaska Chronicle, I'm Dave Davis
Dave Davis, Kalkaska Chronicle
