Jesus Christ beginning to preach outside Israel, right before being sniped by a young female IDF soldier.
Jesus Christ returned for the 2nd time this week, making his way to the Holy Land to begin the rapture, but was abruptly killed in an airstrike believed to have come from the IDF. Reports state that God was not expecting this, and that "the rapture is supposed to be simple, this wasn't part of the plan" Jesus returned for a 3rd time later that day, deciding to be more careful and not rush things this time. He stopped at a local hospital to heal the blind, where he was then killed in another airstrike. Jesus made 9 more attempts to enter the Holy Land, but made fatal errors each time, like helping an elderly couple cross the street, or attending a children's choir. Airstrike. Airstrike. Even upon finally reaching the Israeli border, Jesus was detained for not providing documentation and fitting the description of a terrorist. Then another airstrike killed him again. Apparently, the name Jesus Christ means nothing to the Jews. Getting frustrated, God decided to send Jesus down armed with full kevlar and an open carry permit, but the Son was decapitated by an elite IDF sniper unit before he could even leave heaven. "We heard there were dead Hamas bombers hiding in the afterlife, Jesus was just collateral damage." Finally, it was agreed that the rapture would have to wait until another day. Thankfully, Israel remains a bulwark against the threats that seek to destroy the world, especially Jesus Christ.
Bernadette Brewster, Kalkaska Chronicle
