Osama Bin Laden
Osama Bin Laden made the news last year (feeling nostalgic anyone?) as TikTokers shared his "Letter To America", written after the 9/11 attacks. As it turns out, Osama was... pretty woke. Aside from the references of "Jewish capital" and "death to the infidels", Osama had some pretty girl boss things to say, girl boss being a concept I'm sure he would agree with wholeheartedly. While mainstream media and oldheads who were actually alive in 2001 are angered by the revelation that Bin Laden was actually kinda spittin, the truth cannot be hidden anymore, no matter what they say. Bin Laden is an ally, from his acceptance of climate science, to Hillary Clinton winning the 2016 election, and his nuanced take on political activism, he is one straight white-robed male I can get behind. And if he pisses off my dad, even better. It is on the heels of that mainstream boomer outrage that a second letter to America, proving Bin Laden's kind heart, was discovered today. I copy and pasted it here for easy viewing. "To the people of America, ahem I take back everything I said about capitalism and oppressive power structures. All that stuff was tangential to the main point I had, which is that it's the Jews. I don't think many of you were getting the message, I really just hate the Jews. Also, I hate all of you, because you let women drive and refuse to behead your gays. It's not Viva La Revolución, it's Allahu Akbar. French is a dirty imperialist language and, hold on wait the point isn't that it's bad they're imperialist but it's bad that they're heathens and French. A Caliphate would be an example of a good empire, but not whatever secular stuff France was doing, which worships money instead of Allah. Wait, but please focus on the Allah good part not the money bad part, I'm a terrorist not a communist. Please listen to me, I swear to God I mean Allah that I have hate in my heart." Wow. Let that sink in. This is the Bin Laden they won't show you in the media. What they portray as a backwards savage is actually... a pretty smart guy. Who uses words like "tangential"? Bin Laden, we see you, we hear you. Your prayers have been answered, for today you are remembered not for what you did, but what you said, and that is all that any of us can ever ask for. Au revoir, Osama, merci vouz-coup, bonsoir and je suis, you will be missed. RIP Osama Bin Laden, civil rights activist.
John American, Kalkaska Chronicle
