EPA President Michael S. Regan, at a press conference on Monday
February 25th, following the derailment and explosion of a Norfolk Southern freight train, teams from the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) made their way to the town of East Palestine, Ohio, determined to help, but worried they might find horrible ecological damage. But instead, they found something beautiful. There, amidst the rubble, and under a cloud of gaseous vinyl chloride, the cleanup crew laid eyes upon the nascent form of an ancient and unspeakable eldritch mass writhing in the riverbed below. Residents expressed immediate concerns about the sudden appearance of the dark god. Sally [surname withheld] probed, “Well now I’m not saying it’s because of the train, I just think there should be some accountability, or at least an investigation. I just don’t know if it’s natural for an eldritch horror to show up in the water like that.” She continued, “I also don’t think it’s natural for trans people to have rights. I don’t think they’re even people. We should probably just euthanize them.” Yes, she said that. Yes she did. She actually went there. Looks like this town was toxic long before the train came along. Bad look, Sally. Bad look. Meanwhile, EPA president Michael S. Regan insisted all was well. “This is… well, this is actually a really good thing,” said Regan at a recent press conference, sweating, the blistering February Ohio heat beating down on him, “Malevolent hellspawn haven’t been spotted in this section of the Ohio River Basin in over two thousand years. We are proud to welcome this diversity back to the region.” While some have protested about the unnatural circumstances of the beast’s arrival, and the threats it may pose to the stability of reality itself around the town, the EPA has stated it is doing its absolute best to bring the situation under control. “We hope the people of East Palestine feel heard, we hope they feel seen, and with great strength, they may learn to accept their new faithful roles as Yog-Sothoth’s slave underlings until the end of time. I’m sorry, there’s just nothing else we can do. But we promise everything is safe.” - Michael S. Regan, speaking through a megaphone, from a helicopter, wearing two hazmat suits, as he flies back to headquarters in DC. In related news, Bigfoot was spotted evacuating the Eastern Ohio area recently, read more about that story here.
Bernice Brewer, Kalkaska Chronicle
