Waldo Muhammad, moments before an airstrike ended his life
Waldo, perennial children's book icon and star of the "Where's Waldo?" series has been confirmed dead as of this morning. His remains were discovered in the crater left by an Israeli missile. Initially, responders we unable to tell if they had indeed found Waldo. "Hold on, are we sure this is Waldo? This hat is white with red stripes, isn't his red with white stripes? This could just be another Palestinian, let's keep looking." Yet after much debate and cross referencing, it was confirmed that the disemboweled body was indeed Waldo's, marking the first and final glimpse of the elusive tourist. Waldo was first reported missing in 1987, but eluded discovery up until the present day. Waldo often found himself among mass groups of people in wartime. He was present in The Donbass during Russia's invasion, in Kabul during the Taliban's takeover, and even at Kent State in 1970, hiding behind a trash can. He remained relatively safe as a civilian each time. It wasn't until Israel's policy of "just fucking kill everyone" that Waldo was finally caught in the crossfire. Facing backlash, Israel defended its actions, accusing Waldo of terrorism. "Why is Waldo always hiding among civilians? Waldo originated the human shield, and likely trained Hamas in his methods. We have a right to defend ourselves from men like him." Waldo was laid to rest in the rubble, what remains that could be gathered buried in a hole in the ground, the rest of him scattered here, there, and everywhere. He will be missed, but his gorey death was necessary, in order to save Israel, experts agree. "He was a jihadist, maybe now he can hide among his 72 virgins, good riddance." -Isaac Herzog
Dana Lyman, Kalkaska Chronicle
