IDF soldiers approach the building housing the cum
The IDF launched a tactical military siege into Gaza this morning, penetrating deep into the territory in search of chemical weapons. What they found instead was shocking. An IDF soldier's head poked out of the doors to a Gazan office building, motioning to those of us on the street. "Yalla, we found something... David, Gilad, come, see." Our crew followed the IDF down a narrow stairwell, before coming upon a pair of sliding doors. "Oh God, that smell..." I couldn't help but exclaim as we approached. Gilad pulled back the door, and a wave of translucent white liquid spilled out at our feet. Beyond lay a room filled completely with cum, touching all 4 walls, and with no indication of how deep it went. The IDF soldiers lit up with joy. "Look! We knew they were up to something fishy. This proves it. Look at all this cum. It must be over 10,000 liters." This was absurd. Why would Hamas store so much cum in one basement? Did this count as chemical weapons? Were we sure this was even politically motivated and backed by Hamas, and not just the basement of a Reddit moderator? The sight yielded much more questions than answers. Before I could begin to answer any of these questions, the IDF was on the move. More soldiers rushed past me, and huddled around the doorway. "Back! Back everyone!" Said the head soldier in deep Hebrew. "There is enough cum for everyone, please just make room for the journalist, this must be on record." I walked forwards, notepad in hand, ready to write down whatever he said next. "What Hamas has done here today is a crime against all humanity. We came looking for chemical weapons, and we found a basement full of cum. They are laughing in our faces, the Arabs. Taunting us, as if to say 'you could never store this much cum in a basement'. They are wrong. And we will find the monsters who did this." The IDF applauded with such fervor that I couldn't help but join in. Zionism was a powerful force to be surrounded by. Ari Seinfeld, IDF commander and Mossad agent, spoke with me after the event. He had noticed our press badges. "No one can know of this. Israel has yet to store this much cum in a basement. If word gets out that Hamas beat us to it, we will be humiliated. You cannot do that." Seinfeld made me swear on the Jewish God not to tell anyone, but little does he know, I'm a Christian, and his Jew God means nothing to me. Sorry Ari, but it was never going to stay under wraps. Dubbed "The Cum Leaks", documents of the event and cum basement have been mailed from Kalkaska to other news outlets around the globe. Of course, not many news agencies are expected to open an envelope simply labeled 'cum', so as of yet The Kalkaska Chronicle is still the only organization brave enough to have released this info to the public. Spread the word people, we can change the world.
Bernadette Brewster, Kalkaska Chronicle
