Genghis Khan, founder and Khagan of the Great Mongol Empire
Rizz, W Rizz, unspoken rizz, rizzlering, mild sexual harassment, it has many names, but this new phenomenon has taken 2022 and 2023 by storm. Everyone is talking about rizz nowadays, rizzing it up, and being the biggest rizzler in town. In the modern day, rizz artists are celebrated for their ability to sweep women off their feet with sexual charm, and devilish charisma. These heroes come in all shapes and sizes. Andrew Tate, Jack Harlow, and Kai Cenat (who coined the term), to name a few. Much like everything Gen Z does, however, rizz is not original, or creative. The cesspool that is modern youth culture, while occasionally stumbling upon the right idea, often executes this idea poorly, and does not pay homage to the generations before them, which truly knew how to swoon the opposite sex. As a tribute to the truly masculine figures of the past, The Kalkaska Chronicle would like to present our first Top 10 list: Top 10 Figures with the most W Rizz in History. 10) Genghis Khan What list could be complete without the founder and first khagan of the largest empire the world has ever seen. A man who took getting women quite literally, the Great Khan should be an inspiration to anyone who seeks out rizz for themselves. With 6 official wives and 500 secondary side pieces, the numbers just don’t lie, folks. The women of Eurasia must have been clamoring to get with this Top G of the 12th century. 9) Bill Cosby He’s America’s dad for a reason, everybody. And one of the greatest comedians to ever live, just under Bob Hope. 8) Lennie from of Mice and Men At number 8 is an unconventional pick. Probably the dark horse of rizz, Lennie had few partners, but those he did, he treated with respect. And if they got out of line, Lennie wasn’t worried about “toxic masculinity”, he knew how to flex his rizz on Curley’s wife like no other. I need a Lennie in my life, and you do too. 7) The Catholic Church Due to being Catholic and not Protestant, 7 is as high as I’ll let this one go, but one must stand in awe at the sheer coordinated rizz of the church. As an institution, no other comes close. Some notable members with W Rizz would be Lawrence Murphy, Kit Cunningham, and Gilbert Gauthe. Despite having such homo names, these men utilized their positions of power in the name of rizz, and for that they should be honored. Don’t bother to look them up. 6) Whoever invented Camo Just try wearing camo pants in Northern Michigan, preferably while riding a tractor. You’ll see what I mean in 5 seconds. 5) Me back in the 70s I’m anything if not humble, so while I know I’m probably closer to 1 or 2, that’s off the record, I’m putting myself at 5. In my 76 years on this planet, I’ve had quite a wild ride. While the public knows me now as Mr. Davis, a quiet resident of Kalkaska, I did my fair share of coke and women in my youth, with a little stint in South Vietnam to boot. Editor’s note: Mark Davis has never served in the military; he came to Vietnam as a tourist, and it was in the 90s. 4) Columbus The explorer and founder of America who started it all. I wouldn’t be writing this list without the “rizz” of Cristobal Colon, when the deck of his ship penetrated the interior walls of North America, birthing the greatest nation on Earth. A man who would stop at nothing to impress the native women, Columbus was the pioneer of interracial rizz. Take that, Star Trek. 3) John Wayne Gacy After all, what gal doesn’t love a man in cowboy boots? Known as a rough and tumble figure on the screen, in real life, John Wayne was a- what? Oh, not that John Wayne? Well who did I write down then? John Wayne Gacy? Just leave it in, he’s probably just as cool. 2) Unit 731 Due to new Diversity and Equity rules at the Chronicle, I’m forced to include at least one Asian with rizz in this list. And I’m not racist, so how about a whole military unit of them? I don’t know much about the Japs, except that they lost the war, but they seemed to do some rizz in China or something, so I’ll put them here. 1) Nero What do you think the R in SPQR stands for? That’s right, rizz. Honorable Mentions: Dennis Hastert Roy Moore Larry Nassar Biological Men
Mark Davis, Kalkaska Chronicle
